When we first started the adoption process we told everyone we were adopting from China and we had every intention of doing that. We found an agency to work with, we worked and saved money in the hopes of beginning the process, and I prayed. One night in particular, I prayed that our "daughter in China" would be kept safe and have her needs met until we could get to her. After I said those words I felt in my heart (if you've never had an experience like this then you won't be able to relate) that our daughter, our child, was not in China. It was just a feeling, a thought. I didn't see a vision or hear an audible voice or anything weird like that. Well, I dismissed it but this continued on. Every night I prayed for our daughter in China and every night felt like China was not where our child was.
I began to research other countries and was drawn to Haiti. I was very interested in the adoption process there. I did my research and approached James with the idea. His response was less than excited. He worried about disease and malnourishment and what that would mean long term for a baby.
A few months later we got the phone call about a baby in San Antonio. We said we were interested and pursued that route. Of course, it didn't work out. Side note here: I had an uneasy feeling about that situation but I ignored it. After the devastation of that experience we didn't know what to do. So we did nothing for a while.
We then got a phone call about a baby boy that was due in a few months. We planned to adopt him but his birth mother changed her mind a few weeks before he was born. Again, we were left with our heads spinning and just at a loss as to what our next step should be.
We talked a lot about invitro-fertilization at this point. We went to a fertility clinic and visited with a doctor. She examined me, read about our background and the 7 failed artificial insemination's we had years earlier. She gave us a 70% chance of being successful with IVF. We thought about it, weighed out the pro's and con's, looked at the financial side of it, etc. I finally fessed up to James that I wasn't emotionally ready for this right now. He said that was fine and was an option we could re-visit later on.
I kept researching adoption and kept feeling led to Haiti. I belong to an online group of adoptive parents that have completed international adoptions. It's a great group, very informative. One day someone posted a message about a little girl in Haiti that was 6 years old and very malnourished. She had two brothers that were being adopted by a family but for some reason they couldn't adopt the little girl. I was shocked and saddened that these children were being split up. I thought to myself that James and I could adopt her, we could love her, we could contact the family adopting her brothers and hopefully she could keep in touch them as they all grew up. I contacted the orphanage in Haiti.
Long story short, the little girl was being adopted with her brothers. I was happy she was staying with her brothers, happy she would know the love of a family. A few days later the orphanage director emailed me. She said she had half-siblings that had just been brought to the orphanage a week earlier. They were 2 and 4 years old, a boy and a girl. Would we be interested in adopting them? She attached a picture. When I saw them my heart jumped. I knew these were our children. I have looked at several photo listings of waiting children and never felt the way I did when I looked at these two.
I emailed her back and told her I was interested but hadn't talked to my husband yet. I asked what we needed to do, what was the process? She emailed me back with details. I was on cloud 9. I couldn't wait to get home and tell James. He listened to me and told me he needed to think about everything. He was worried about the language barrier and the cost of adopting two children versus one-but he didn't say no. I was on pins and needles for a week waiting his answer. Finally, "yes"! Woo hoo!
December 21, 2006 we committed to the adoption of these two sweeties and began the process. We did not bring them home until June 23, 2009. It was a long, drawn out process that caused us much stress but Gracie and Samuel were worth every bit of it. We are so blessed to have them as our children. We pray for their birth families daily and hope to make annual visits to Haiti to see them beginning in 2011.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Jeremiah's adoption story
While Jeremiah is our youngest child, he was the first of our children to join our family.
We had tried adopting a baby domestically but it only resulted in two failed adoptions.
We finally felt led to Haiti and began the adoption process for Gracie and Samuel.
In the meantime, the story of Jeremiah was unfolding.
Jeremiah’s birth mother was a member of our youth program at church when Lila was serving in there as a leader. His birth mom was 14 and pregnant. The Bishop was going to talk to her about placing the baby for adoption. The situation was not a good one and at this point, all we could do was offer her some options and hope for the best.
I (Lila) told James I thought I should go talk to the Bishop and tell him we would be interested in adopting the baby if she chose adoption. He agreed but the next day our phone rang and we were matched with another birth mom. Someone else had chosen adoption for their baby and she had chosen us to be the parents of her baby. I never spoke to the Bishop and heard through the grapevine Jeremiah’s birth mom had her baby in December.
The baby we were adopting was due in February. Two weeks before the due date we received the news that the Mom had changed her mind and would be parenting the baby herself. We were heartbroken.
A week later I went to church. In walked Jeremiah’s grandmother with Jeremiah wrapped up in her arms. I purposely walked by to get a peek of the little guy. He was beautiful. Truly. I remember regret. Regret that he wasn’t my son, regret that I never spoke to the Bishop. I shrugged it off. I was mourning our baby and besides, Jeremiah’s birth mom did not choose adoption so he wouldn’t have been our son anyway.
Now, four years later, I see that moment as a tender mercy. I have no pictures of him as a newborn but I cling to the one in my memory. There he was, little Jeremiah, completely innocent, wearing blue, curled up in his grandma’s arms at 8 or 9 weeks old. I try to burn the image in my mind so I never forget what baby Jeremiah looked like.
Two years later, I was serving in the church nursery. One Sunday, out of the blue, Jeremiah and his grandmother came to church. She dropped him off in the nursery. He toddled up to me with arms outstretched and those gorgeous brown eyes asking me to pick him up. I did. I held him/carried him for the remainder of the two hours. He sat on my lap. He nestled in perfectly. I breathed in the scent of his hair. I wished once again that he was my son. But he wasn’t. Church was over much too quickly that day and I said good-bye to the little guy.
A year later we got the email that changed our life. The email simply stated that there was a member of our church that a needed a place to stay for a few days. The child was 3 years old. The minute I read it, I knew it was Jeremiah. The email didn’t say if it was a boy or a girl and didn’t include the name of the child but I knew it was him. I felt a great urgency to respond to that email right at that moment. It was early in the morning. James was sound asleep. I didn’t even wake him to see if this arrangement was ok with him. I responded to the email with an adamant yes.
At about 8:30 that morning my phone rang. It was Cynthia, a friend of Jeremiah’s family, and she currently had Jeremiah. She called him by name and I smiled. I was right. It was him. She was going to send our contact information to the worker overseeing the case and wanted to make sure I would be by the phone. I told her I would.
Thirty minutes later my phone rang. It was the case worker. They had a few questions and needed to run a background check. When could they bring Jeremiah to the house? Were we interested in adopting him?
What? My mind was swimming.
Again, I had not even talked to James but yes, we would be interested in adoption. Was that an option? The worker said we would discuss it later when they brought Jeremiah to the house. We agreed on a time and I gave him directions to our house.
The day we met Jeremiah was surreal. He came bounding out of the car waving and saying hello. That’s Jeremiah-he has never known a stranger. His mother and grandmother followed behind. Cynthia, the family friend and former caregiver was with them as was her husband and the case worker. Our living room filled up quickly. After introductions James, the case worker, and Cynthia all walked outside to “talk”. I was left with Cynthia’s husband who didn’t speak English and Jeremiah’s birth mother and grandmother. It was a bit awkward. I offered them all something to drink. They simply said no. I twiddled my thumbs wondering what to do next. I asked Jeremiah if he wanted to get some toys out. He did so all 5 of us tromped back to Samuel and Gracie’s unoccupied room and opened up the toy box.
Finally, the group from outside came inside. The case worker looked at Jeremiah’s birth mother and said, “What do you think?” “Yes. I like them.” The case worker looked at us and said, “Okay, the plan is adoption. He has to be in your home for 6 months and then you can finalize.”
We couldn’t believe it. After all this time, Jeremiah was going to be our son.
We have enjoyed every minute of being Jeremiah's parents.
We keep in contact with his birth mom and send her packages and updated pictures twice a year. We will always be grateful for her decision to place Jeremiah in our family.
We had tried adopting a baby domestically but it only resulted in two failed adoptions.
We finally felt led to Haiti and began the adoption process for Gracie and Samuel.
In the meantime, the story of Jeremiah was unfolding.
Jeremiah’s birth mother was a member of our youth program at church when Lila was serving in there as a leader. His birth mom was 14 and pregnant. The Bishop was going to talk to her about placing the baby for adoption. The situation was not a good one and at this point, all we could do was offer her some options and hope for the best.
I (Lila) told James I thought I should go talk to the Bishop and tell him we would be interested in adopting the baby if she chose adoption. He agreed but the next day our phone rang and we were matched with another birth mom. Someone else had chosen adoption for their baby and she had chosen us to be the parents of her baby. I never spoke to the Bishop and heard through the grapevine Jeremiah’s birth mom had her baby in December.
The baby we were adopting was due in February. Two weeks before the due date we received the news that the Mom had changed her mind and would be parenting the baby herself. We were heartbroken.
A week later I went to church. In walked Jeremiah’s grandmother with Jeremiah wrapped up in her arms. I purposely walked by to get a peek of the little guy. He was beautiful. Truly. I remember regret. Regret that he wasn’t my son, regret that I never spoke to the Bishop. I shrugged it off. I was mourning our baby and besides, Jeremiah’s birth mom did not choose adoption so he wouldn’t have been our son anyway.
Now, four years later, I see that moment as a tender mercy. I have no pictures of him as a newborn but I cling to the one in my memory. There he was, little Jeremiah, completely innocent, wearing blue, curled up in his grandma’s arms at 8 or 9 weeks old. I try to burn the image in my mind so I never forget what baby Jeremiah looked like.
Two years later, I was serving in the church nursery. One Sunday, out of the blue, Jeremiah and his grandmother came to church. She dropped him off in the nursery. He toddled up to me with arms outstretched and those gorgeous brown eyes asking me to pick him up. I did. I held him/carried him for the remainder of the two hours. He sat on my lap. He nestled in perfectly. I breathed in the scent of his hair. I wished once again that he was my son. But he wasn’t. Church was over much too quickly that day and I said good-bye to the little guy.
A year later we got the email that changed our life. The email simply stated that there was a member of our church that a needed a place to stay for a few days. The child was 3 years old. The minute I read it, I knew it was Jeremiah. The email didn’t say if it was a boy or a girl and didn’t include the name of the child but I knew it was him. I felt a great urgency to respond to that email right at that moment. It was early in the morning. James was sound asleep. I didn’t even wake him to see if this arrangement was ok with him. I responded to the email with an adamant yes.
At about 8:30 that morning my phone rang. It was Cynthia, a friend of Jeremiah’s family, and she currently had Jeremiah. She called him by name and I smiled. I was right. It was him. She was going to send our contact information to the worker overseeing the case and wanted to make sure I would be by the phone. I told her I would.
Thirty minutes later my phone rang. It was the case worker. They had a few questions and needed to run a background check. When could they bring Jeremiah to the house? Were we interested in adopting him?
What? My mind was swimming.
Again, I had not even talked to James but yes, we would be interested in adoption. Was that an option? The worker said we would discuss it later when they brought Jeremiah to the house. We agreed on a time and I gave him directions to our house.
The day we met Jeremiah was surreal. He came bounding out of the car waving and saying hello. That’s Jeremiah-he has never known a stranger. His mother and grandmother followed behind. Cynthia, the family friend and former caregiver was with them as was her husband and the case worker. Our living room filled up quickly. After introductions James, the case worker, and Cynthia all walked outside to “talk”. I was left with Cynthia’s husband who didn’t speak English and Jeremiah’s birth mother and grandmother. It was a bit awkward. I offered them all something to drink. They simply said no. I twiddled my thumbs wondering what to do next. I asked Jeremiah if he wanted to get some toys out. He did so all 5 of us tromped back to Samuel and Gracie’s unoccupied room and opened up the toy box.
Finally, the group from outside came inside. The case worker looked at Jeremiah’s birth mother and said, “What do you think?” “Yes. I like them.” The case worker looked at us and said, “Okay, the plan is adoption. He has to be in your home for 6 months and then you can finalize.”
We couldn’t believe it. After all this time, Jeremiah was going to be our son.
We have enjoyed every minute of being Jeremiah's parents.
We keep in contact with his birth mom and send her packages and updated pictures twice a year. We will always be grateful for her decision to place Jeremiah in our family.
Home and Family
We love our home and strive for a safe, loving environment where friends and family are always welcome and a peaceful feeling resides. More often than not, it's a mess with toys and books littering the living room floor. The noise level is always a dull roar and little feet race up and down the hall.
We prefer to be home (we're all home bodies for the most part) talking and laughing while James is in the kitchen cooking. A dance party usually ensues and it's always a toss up as to who the better dancer is-James or Samuel. But we can all shake our booties and do it regularly.
We love traditions and have the typical holiday traditions but we also have our own family traditions. We do a friday night date night for the whole family. We're either at our local favorite pizza place or the high school football game. Another tradition we enjoy is Sunday waffles after church. We do a random ice cream run once a week aas well as a game night or movie night once a week.
One of our favorite traditions occurs every night. The kids take showers and then we tuck them in bed, read a story of their choosing and sing songs. There is nothing like kissing their soft, sweet-smelling skin and wishing them sweet dreams.
Life is good.
We prefer to be home (we're all home bodies for the most part) talking and laughing while James is in the kitchen cooking. A dance party usually ensues and it's always a toss up as to who the better dancer is-James or Samuel. But we can all shake our booties and do it regularly.
We love traditions and have the typical holiday traditions but we also have our own family traditions. We do a friday night date night for the whole family. We're either at our local favorite pizza place or the high school football game. Another tradition we enjoy is Sunday waffles after church. We do a random ice cream run once a week aas well as a game night or movie night once a week.
One of our favorite traditions occurs every night. The kids take showers and then we tuck them in bed, read a story of their choosing and sing songs. There is nothing like kissing their soft, sweet-smelling skin and wishing them sweet dreams.
Life is good.
On Parenting
We feel parenting our children is not only a gift but a huge responsibility. Like all parents, we want the best for our children. We spend quite a bit of time together as a family. We teach our children the morals and values we hold dear. We expose our children to many different activities. We help them find their talents and improve upon those talents. Education is very important to us as is a strong spiritual foundation. On a day to day basis we enjoy blowing bubbles, playing games, belly laughing, Tom and Jerry cartoons, looking at the stars, and cheering each other on.
How our families feel about adoption
Our families LOVE adoption.
We have a large, loving, crazy, extended family. Our children have 7 uncles, 7 aunts, 2 grandmas, 1 grandpa, and 13 cousins. Each and every one of them are just as excited for our new addition as we are.
Our families have been encouraging and supportive of our decision to adopt from the very beginning. We are so blessed to have the family we do.
We have a large, loving, crazy, extended family. Our children have 7 uncles, 7 aunts, 2 grandmas, 1 grandpa, and 13 cousins. Each and every one of them are just as excited for our new addition as we are.
Our families have been encouraging and supportive of our decision to adopt from the very beginning. We are so blessed to have the family we do.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
How we feel about adoption
We truly feel that adoption is a gift. We feel so humbled and so blessed that our family was created through adoption.
When we made the decision to adopt, I (Lila) found a quote that helped me see my infertility in a new light.
I began to wonder if my answer to Motherhood could be found in adoption.
My sister used to work in a day care center. She told me about a particular little girl in her class. The girl was having trouble learning to tie her shoes. She struggled with it everyday. Then one day the little girl came to day care in a pair of Velcro shoes. My sister looked at the new shoes and asked, “Does this mean you’ve given up trying to learn how to tie your shoes?” The little girl innocently replied, “No, it just means I’m wearing a different pair of shoes.”
That’s how we feel about adoption. It took us a while to commit to an adoption plan for various reasons. One reason was fear that people would think adoption was our number two choice. Second best so to speak. It’s not second best or a last resort. It’s simply an option we hadn’t given much thought to. It’s simply wearing a different pair of shoes as we walked the road to parenthood.
Where the future once looked scary and lonely when it was labeled "infertile", adoption brought joy and hope and peace.
Adoption is the greatest gift in our life.
When we made the decision to adopt, I (Lila) found a quote that helped me see my infertility in a new light.
“When you struggle with infertility, it’s hard to find the place within yourself that believes reproduction is not just biological, biological reproduction is not the only way to truly create. You can make a mark on the world in so many ways. You can affect other humans for good, fix the ailing planet, and affect positive change. So many children need arms to hold them. And isn’t that reproduction, too? Reproducing the good in yourself, in the world, improving and creating?”
(Author unknown)
(Author unknown)
I began to wonder if my answer to Motherhood could be found in adoption.
My sister used to work in a day care center. She told me about a particular little girl in her class. The girl was having trouble learning to tie her shoes. She struggled with it everyday. Then one day the little girl came to day care in a pair of Velcro shoes. My sister looked at the new shoes and asked, “Does this mean you’ve given up trying to learn how to tie your shoes?” The little girl innocently replied, “No, it just means I’m wearing a different pair of shoes.”
That’s how we feel about adoption. It took us a while to commit to an adoption plan for various reasons. One reason was fear that people would think adoption was our number two choice. Second best so to speak. It’s not second best or a last resort. It’s simply an option we hadn’t given much thought to. It’s simply wearing a different pair of shoes as we walked the road to parenthood.
Where the future once looked scary and lonely when it was labeled "infertile", adoption brought joy and hope and peace.
Adoption is the greatest gift in our life.
How we feel about our transracial family
We adore our family and cannot picture it any other way. We did not set out to adopt transracially but that's the way it worked out. Our differences are not discussed on a daily basis but we do have honest talks about skin and hair and eyes and diversity in general because color does matter. It does. It always will. Anyone who says it doesn't is lying to themselves.
When we sit and admire our children, as we do everyday, we do not see 3 black children. We see 3 children that all belong to us. We just see our family. But when we leave our house and go out into the world, we know that's not what the world sees.
A friend passed along an article to us on transracial adoption and we have implemented each of the following in one way or another in an attempt to help our children the only way we know how:
* Have Black friends, adults as well as children. Also other interracial adoptive families.
* Realize that in matters of race and culture you will learn the most about parenting your child from Black parents and other cultural guides.
* Attend integrated schools. Volunteer in your child’s classroom. Become known throughout the school. Your family becomes “normalized” the more people are used to you.
* Live in an integrated community. Stay in one community so that your child and you don’t have to keep starting over. Important: Be prepared to move if it means a more affirming environment for your child.
* Use Black professional and other services. Find Black baby sitters and other family helpers.
* Learn how to take good care of your child’s skin and hair.
* Have Black literature, children’s books, periodicals, toys, games, artwork in your home. Learn and share with your children Black history and important current and cultural events.
* Participate in Black activities in your community (church, community centers, fairs, celebrations). Visit big cities with large African-American populations, museums, theater.
* Be clear with yourself and your child as to her/his racial identity. Your child is Black or African-American whether or not s/he has one white parent or relative. (“Biracial” is a notion of importance to adoptive parents and social workers more than anyone else, and ambivalence–yours or your child’s–will not foster positive self-esteem.) You and your child are minorities. You are forever a minority family.
* Be active in social change groups/issues, e.g. affirmative action (teachers, police, firefighters, etc.). Be prepared to–and do–intervene or speak up when wrongs occur.
* Remember, your advocacy is not only for your own child but also for all children and people of color as well as other oppressed groups. What happens to any Black kid in your school or community happens to your kid.
* Be an anti-racist racist. Understand why we are racists as long as we benefit from a racist system. Talk about racism. Let your child know through your words and your actions that you are part of the struggle.
* Ask for help, and keep learning! Read, talk to people, and be alert to anything that will help you better affirm your child, support her/his development, and become a better anti-racist. Teach what you learn, by example and by sharing what you know with others.
* Find ways for your child to learn and understand that s/he is part of the Black community. Accept and understand that not all of her/his activities will–or ought to–include you.
* Always know whose side you’re on. Do not tolerate racist acts or statements. The hurt and damage are just as great even if the acts or statements are based on ignorance or were not done maliciously.
* Learn how to choose your battles. You can’t do everything.
When we sit and admire our children, as we do everyday, we do not see 3 black children. We see 3 children that all belong to us. We just see our family. But when we leave our house and go out into the world, we know that's not what the world sees.
A friend passed along an article to us on transracial adoption and we have implemented each of the following in one way or another in an attempt to help our children the only way we know how:
* Have Black friends, adults as well as children. Also other interracial adoptive families.
* Realize that in matters of race and culture you will learn the most about parenting your child from Black parents and other cultural guides.
* Attend integrated schools. Volunteer in your child’s classroom. Become known throughout the school. Your family becomes “normalized” the more people are used to you.
* Live in an integrated community. Stay in one community so that your child and you don’t have to keep starting over. Important: Be prepared to move if it means a more affirming environment for your child.
* Use Black professional and other services. Find Black baby sitters and other family helpers.
* Learn how to take good care of your child’s skin and hair.
* Have Black literature, children’s books, periodicals, toys, games, artwork in your home. Learn and share with your children Black history and important current and cultural events.
* Participate in Black activities in your community (church, community centers, fairs, celebrations). Visit big cities with large African-American populations, museums, theater.
* Be clear with yourself and your child as to her/his racial identity. Your child is Black or African-American whether or not s/he has one white parent or relative. (“Biracial” is a notion of importance to adoptive parents and social workers more than anyone else, and ambivalence–yours or your child’s–will not foster positive self-esteem.) You and your child are minorities. You are forever a minority family.
* Be active in social change groups/issues, e.g. affirmative action (teachers, police, firefighters, etc.). Be prepared to–and do–intervene or speak up when wrongs occur.
* Remember, your advocacy is not only for your own child but also for all children and people of color as well as other oppressed groups. What happens to any Black kid in your school or community happens to your kid.
* Be an anti-racist racist. Understand why we are racists as long as we benefit from a racist system. Talk about racism. Let your child know through your words and your actions that you are part of the struggle.
* Ask for help, and keep learning! Read, talk to people, and be alert to anything that will help you better affirm your child, support her/his development, and become a better anti-racist. Teach what you learn, by example and by sharing what you know with others.
* Find ways for your child to learn and understand that s/he is part of the Black community. Accept and understand that not all of her/his activities will–or ought to–include you.
* Always know whose side you’re on. Do not tolerate racist acts or statements. The hurt and damage are just as great even if the acts or statements are based on ignorance or were not done maliciously.
* Learn how to choose your battles. You can’t do everything.
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